This afternoon’s ‘office’ (Friday 14th) is sat on the step of the harbour lock at Cardiff Bay, overlooking the water. Those close to me will know the significance of this place. I can feel him sat with me, silently…..and then eventually telling me to get off my phone lol! We miss you xxx.
What a week! The lead up to my Oncology check ups are always very difficult. I tend to shut myself off from people, chuck myself into exercise (when well enough), work, studying, DIY and dance like a buffoon around the kitchen to try to dull the wait. Sometimes it works better than others. I’m glad today is over for another six months.
Anyway, yes thats me TWO years and 7 months clear of cancer now!!! I can’t quite believe it! Wow, a lot has happened in those two years. That doesn’t mean I’m ‘free’ from the aftermath of cancer mind; people forget that cancer treatment is only the very first step (but that’s another blog post!). For me I have a love/hate relationship with my cancer.
I hate my cancer because:
- Of the unbearable fear it caused incase I had to leave my young kids without their mummy (anyone who knows me, knows I am a complete tigress when it comes to my babies!)
- Of the pain my children suffered. I will never forget the day I had to tell them.
- Of the time it stole from our lives.
- My decision to have more kids was ripped away.
- I’m left with permanent daily complications.
- Of the chance of recurrence.
- I had to go through major and risky surgery – and suffered a big bleed on the operating table (I thank my wonderful surgeon each day for saving me!)
- I’m sometimes angry about the medical neglect and delayed diagnosis.
BUT, I also LOVE my cancer too (odd ‘ey?!) because:
- It’s allowed me a freedom I’ve never experienced; like proper life changing freedom! Hard to explain, but I’m finally free.
- I’ve learnt to love hard and proper – never mediocre & no apologies.
- I’ve learnt to commit hard and proper to people, work, life – never mediocre.
- I can now walk away from things that don’t benefit us.
- I’ve learnt to appreciate the simple, thoughtful things & gestures in life.
- I’ve mastered the art of saying ‘no’ to people.
- I’m stronger, more confident and happier than ever.
- It’s also made me more spontaneous, ambitious and adventurous than ever.
- I now have a zero tolerance of bullshit. No exceptions.
- It’s made me more honest, open and blunt like never before (and I wont apologise for it, sorry!)
- It’s taught me that ‘failure’ and ‘adapt’ are two very different things. I never fail. Ever.
- I will never take a ‘passive’ role in our medical care ever again.
- It’s taught me that you are responsible for making your own happiness in life.
- It made me both limit and value those people I now welcome into our lives – feel privileged if you are still part of our ‘team.’ We Love you! For those of you no longer in our lives, it’s probably due to number 9 on this list! *scrolls back up lol!*
- Finally, and most importantly; I’m a better mummy to my beautiful babies. (Ok, I was already pretty amazing before, but you know!)
So you see I have FAR more reasons to LOVE my cancer, than to hate it. I know that will seem odd to many people. Wow, it feels odd to even say it; really wasn’t where this blog was originally heading! Yes, there are days where I struggle to see the positives it’s given me. But today isn’t one of those.
Cancer; you may have taken loved ones, but I can guarantee you will never take me…….I’m just too damn awesome for you baby!
Amy Griffiths, Well Being Freedom Services Ltd ©