I Hate This Place…..

hate-dictionary

 

It’s been a while since I blogged ‘on location’.  Today my ‘office’ is the cramped, depressing Oncology waiting room.  I hate this place.  Not the wonderful staff; but how this awful clinic fills me with dread on each occasion, which gradually builds up for a few weeks before each check up.  I think most people who have fought cancer feel like they are a ticking time bomb, I know certainly that’s how a lot of my brave cervical cancer warrior friends feel.  I however, try to see it as living more for the moment, never committing to anything too far in the future. And that’s not me accepting some awful impending fate; it’s me learning to be more spontaneous and fulfilled in the moment instead (well as much as you can do as a single parent to two quirky babies!).

Looking around this airless room, it’s full of every aged and type of woman you can think of; cancer does not discriminate.  You can also tell which ladies are here for their check ups, and who are awaiting initial results….God I remember that day so vividly.  The day my world changed forever.  In lots of ways for the worse.  In other ways for the better.  I have a love hate relationship with my cancer journey – I wrote a very personal account on why this time last year which I would encourage you to read HERE.

Anyway, back to the stuffy waiting room…..I’m being subjected to an episode of Jeremy Kyle on the tele; “Did my fiancée have sex with another man on the bathroom floor?” Well according to the lie detector yes she did…..but of course she protests her innocent.  God, I’m bored and feel sick waiting here.  Whoever designed this place needs a hard slap. Sticking cancer females who are now largely infertile due to no real choice of their own, right within a maternity unit.  Yep, you read right.  Talk about adding insult to injury each and every time you come for a check up.  Clearly emotional well being still means very little to some hospitals; no matter how caring and wonderful your treating team are (and mine are amazing!).

So I’m home now, after over an hour’s wait, contemplating in that horrid room waiting to see my Oncologist.  Upshot is, I’ve made a fully informed decision to decline a drug and major surgery which was hoped would help ease some of my ongoing pain that was caused by my cancer treatment 3.5 years ago.  Even my Oncologist sighed a breath of relief that I had made such an empowering decision based upon weighing up the pros and cons of such a risky and big operation (even more so than my initial cancer surgery!), especially given my status as the sole-carer to my quirky babies.  I actually feel a calmness about ‘just’ living a life of a pain instead of having the treatment.

In other areas, I’m back in two months time to check on something new that has developed (FFS), another MRI, another referral to a different specialist.  This all comes at the exact same time as having heart scans, colonoscopies, and a different surgery next week.  But for now at least I can tick Oncology off for a few months before the panic sets in again…..

Is it gin time yet??? 

gin

 

 

 

Amy Griffiths, Well Being Freedom Services Ltd ©

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